Chapter Text
Strength
Reversed, this Major Arcana Card can indicate self-doubt, weakness, low confidence, inadequacy, cowardice. You are (or about to) experience an intense anger or fear in your life and lack the inner strength that this card normally represents. You also may have self esteem issues, insecurity, or negativity about love.
When Blitz finally woke up, he felt like he was still swimming in that thick viscous sea he’d been dreaming of, though the memory of what he experienced in it was already growing fainter. He stared up at a blindingly white ceiling, blinking slowly, his thoughts and limbs heavy. There was a low beeping, almost soothingly rhythmic, and a faint hooting that sounded vaguely familiar. Slowly, he turned his head towards the noise.
Stolas was slumped over in an uncomfortable looking chair, all four of his eyes shut as he dozed. He was still in the outfit that Blitz vaguely remembered from their trip to Ozzie’s - still in that (kinda pretty) starry cloak. Blitz stared at him, trying to focus on the owl prince. What the f*ck was going on? Where was he?
Why did Blitz feel like he’d been run over by a car - or three?
At that moment, Stolas’ head jerked up, blinking several times as he woke up before he seemed to register that Blitz was staring at him. “Oh, Blitzy!” He grabbed one of Blitz’s hands, laying at his side atop the thin white blanket that covered him. He looked so relived, and for some reason, that made Blitz feel really anxious. “Oh, thank goodness you’re awake! You had us terribly worried.”
Worried? Why? What happened?
“f*ck,” groaned Blitz, lifting up his other hand to drag across his face, to wipe away the ache in his eyes, but something tugged at the crook of his elbow, and he looked down to see an I.V. in his arm. That immediately made Blitz panic, though he tried to hide it – the last time he’d one of those, it’d been after the fire. “What the f*ck?” he heard himself slurring, his eyebrows mashed together as his mind raced to try and find the missing gaps in his memory as to why he was in a hospital bed. He wrinkled his nose as he noticed another one of those stupid plastic tubes was delivering a steady stream of air through his nostrils. “Where am I? What the f*ck happened?”
“You’re at St. An’s Hospital, darling,” he heard Stolas say, almost cringing at the term of endearment; that coupled with the gentle tone made him feel pathetic, weak, and he resisted the urge to pull away. “I – Err, that is… do you not remember what happened?”
“Yeah, was having a rough night,” mumbled Blitz, as if Stolas needed reminding of that. God, the way he hid behind that menu at Ozzie’s, that moment was burned into his brain. Wish he could have forgotten that. “I remember lot of drinking.” He stared up at the ceiling, trying to sort through the fragments that were left of his memory, something that might explain why he was here. He hated that what he remembered the clearest was them being at Ozzie’s, the talk in front of Stolas’ place. He wished that he didn’t remember those either. “Was trying to go to sleep,” he said instead.
“And you took sleeping pills as well?” was the hesitant question.
Did he? “Yeah.” Blitz closed his eyes, silent for a moment as he remember tried to silence the voices of Fizz and Verosika mocking him. “They didn’t work,” he eventually muttered. He remembered staring at the TV, still f*cking awake after washing down pills he took with alcohol. “Couldn’t sleep.” He opened his eyes, turning to stared back at Stolas, who was looking at him with wide eyes, looking nervous. “What happened?” he asked again, now really worried about what happened, what he didn’t remember.
“Well,” started Stolas hesitantly, “Loona couldn’t get a hold of you, so she asked me to go and look for you, because she was stuck at her friend's. I found you at home, unconscious.” Stolas blinked his many eyes, and Blitz almost wanted to tell him to shut up, to look away – why did he have to look at him with such concern? Such pity. He was just his f*ck buddy, not anything else that deserved such worry.
“Blitz, you… you overdosed. You don’t remember?”
“What?” Blitz felt his ears start to ring as he stared at Stolas, waiting for him to say that it was a joke, that he was wrong, but as the panic started to sink in when Stolas stayed silent. He felt like he couldn’t think, couldn’t breathe. “No I – No I didn’t,” he argued breathlessly. It was just f*cking sleeping pills! He’d taken a sh*t ton of tranquilizers in college and that hadn’t done anything to him. How could a few little pills almost, what, kill him? He’d only taken a couple, right? Right?
He swallowed the pills, he washed them down with alcohol. He swallowed the pills, he washed them down with alcohol. He swallowed the pills-
sh*t.
“I wouldn’t-” Blitz insisted. He wouldn’t try and kill himself, he promised himself when he adopted Loona that he wouldn’t try that again.
Wait, Stolas said – Stolas said Loona… “Loonie-” Blitz scanned the room, but there was no sign of his adopted Hellhound, and his heart started to beat even harder, the machine nearby picking up the increase and beeping faster. “Where’s Loona?” he asked as he pushed his blankets back, revealing that he’d been changed into a paper gown, more of his bright white burns on display. “I gotta tell her – I told her I wouldn’t leave-” fumbled Blitz, the room spinning, his ears ringing.
He promised Loona he would never leave her, he promised her that since the day he adopted her. She probably didn’t believe it, might never believe it since she was already too used to being alone, too used to being abandoned. But Blitz did it not only to try and reassure her, but as a reminder to himself of why he couldn’t do what he did again.
The memory of the first and only time he tried to end his life tried to float to the surface, trying to shine bright among all the other memories that were slowly coming back, and Blitz squeezed his eyes shut, trying to hold back the prickling tears as he forced it back down. He wasn’t gonna think about that day – not now.
A hand laid against his chest, and Blitz tried to hold back a flinch as it partially pressed against the burn scar that was on his chest, his breathing sharp and rapid as the panic grew. Now more than ever, he didn’t want them touched right now, even as Stolas gently kept him in place, telling him that it was alright, that Loona would be back soon.
Stop trying to help me! I don't deserve it!
“It was an accident,” insisted Blitz with a pitiful whine, his throat feeling raw. Those words – the same words he repeated over and over to his father as he stared down at him in the hospital, not caring that his son was going to be scared for the rest of his life, or that he hurt so badly. Or that his wife, Blitz’s mother, was dead. The only thing that mattered was that Blitz burned down his circus, ruined his star performer.
"It's all your fault. I wish you'd never been born."
“I-I just wanted to sleep,” Blitz said as he started to shake. “I just wanted to make them shut up.” Hands clutching at his head, Blitz tried to make Stolas understand, ignoring how much the hand at his chest hurt, grounding him to this stupid body. “I-I didn’t mean to. It was an accident!” How many times did he have to say those same words, only for them to fail to change anything? God, he just wanted it to stop.
“And we’ll tell her that,” Stolas tried to reassure him, “I know you would never-”
Blitz couldn’t help the sharp, broken laugh that escaped him, bubbling in his chest and forcing Stolas’ hand into his burn even more, and with a wince Blitz pushed his touch away. A prince, claiming to know him, a lowly imp? Who’d already tried once before to end things after years of tormenting himself over the worse night in his life? Who ruined everything and everyone he touched? “Yeah, you would know,” bit out Blitz angrily, the anger first directed at Stolas, then turned towards himself when he saw Stolas flinch away. He knew that Stolas was trying to help, but f*cking Christ, what did this guy, who'd been so secluded from normal life that his father f*cking bought Blitz just so he could have a friend for a day, do to help him?
His father laughed in his head, but this wasn’t one of voices like last night, but a memory, as his father drunkenly told him that he was barely worth the five dollars and condom that King Paimon bought him for. Blitz ran his hands over his face, trying to hid the tears that were pricking the corners of his eyes again. “You don’t know anything about me,” he mumbled. How could Stolas - who was so powerful, so beautiful, yet so privileged in a way that Blitz could never make him understand, who only used him to escape his life as a bird in a pretty gold cage - understand anything that Blitz was, or what he’d gone through. “Not really.”
“Darling, I-”
“Don’t call me that!” snapped Blitz, eyes wide behind his hands, his tail twitching underneath the blanket like a rattlesnake. Why did Stolas try to treat Blitz like he was something precious when he was just garbage? Who was only good for killing and sex? His heart was beating fast enough that the beeping of the monitor was too fast and too loud, reminding him of how weak he was. Even among the lowest of the citizens of hell, he was even lower than that. Worthless scum, not worthy a Prince of Hell to touch. Who, if Stolas really wanted to, he could destroy in so many different ways – he could kill him with a snap of his neck, turn him into stone and dust with a single look, or tear him apart with those sharp claws. Could do it all with ease. He could ruin him socially too, make sure that he and his friends never worked again, could report him to the rest of the Goetia’s for traveling to the human world unauthorized. “Don’t!”
Don’t try and make me feel better. I don’t deserve it.
There was a quiet, “Alright,” from Stolas, and he sounded… he sounded so pathetic. To hear him sound so weak when the exact opposite was true; it made Blitz want to scream, filling him with an anger he couldn’t understand. He should be yelling at him, get furious with him, a lowly imp, for treating him like this. Maybe even let that control slip and flood the room with dark energy, use the same monstrous form he used to save Blitz and his makeshift little family from the humans. Why didn’t he?
After what felt like an eternity of silence, Blitz dropped his hands into his lap, blinking to try and get rid of the ache behind his eyes before turning to stare at Stolas. “Why are you here?” he asked numbly.
Stolas hesitated before he answered, “A-As I said, I found you. I-”
“Right. Saved my life. Again.” Blitz looked away from Stolas. f*ck. What kind of imp was Blitz if he had to keep getting saved by his… what were they? Not friends with benefits. They’d have to be friends first, and really, except for that one day long ago that was tainted in his mind by his father’s words, when had they actually ever been friends? His hands tightened into fists. Whatever was between them was just a transaction, just like before. Nothing more, nothing less. Stolas saved him so he didn’t lose a f*ck buddy. “Well, you’re going to have to wait awhile before I can properly thank you this time, okay?” bit out Blitz. He was too emotional and in too much pain for any of this right now. Honestly, all he wanted was someone to hold him, comfort him, but he didn’t want to ask that of Stolas just for him to use it later on against him. “Don’t think I’m gonna be up for f*cking for a bit,” he added on, so Stolas could clearly understand. “Feel like sh*t.”
“Is that… Is that what you really think?”
What the fresh Hell kind of question was that? Blitz’s felt his nails dig into his palms as he started to curl in on himself, mentally putting up his walls to keep him safe as he let out an annoyed sigh. “What do you want me to say?” he snapped, not looking back at Stolas. If he looked at him, if he looked into those sad red eyes, he might just break down right now, and he couldn’t do that in front of the demon prince. “Sorry, baby, let me go down on you right now, after apparently I almost died?” he sneered, trying not to shudder. “f*cking Christ, Stolas, just…” He laid down onto his side and curled up, tears rolling down his cheeks. “Just leave me alone, okay? I’ll pay you back another time.”
Just leave me alone. Please don’t look at me like this. I don’t want you to see me like this.
“Of… Of course.” There was a screech that was too loud, Blitz flinching as the feet of the chair scraped against the floor. “I’m… I’m glad you’re alright, Blitz.”
Tail snapping back and forth underneath the thin white blanket he’d been covered in, Blitz closed his eyes. “Yeah, thanks,” he forced out, his throat tight.
It took a too long moment, but eventually, the hospital door opened and then shut, finally leaving Blitz alone. He curled into a tighter ball, the tears free falling even as he pressed the palms of his hands hard to his eyes. f*ck, f*ck, f*ck! His tail wrapped around his own leg in an attempt to comfort himself. How did the hell did he mess up so badly that he almost died by accident? That Stolas, of all people, had to come save him again?
“Can’t do anything right,” His father laughed in his mind. “Can’t even die right!”
“Shut up, shut up!” Blitz hissed, one hand moving to grip at one of his horns as he pressed his face into the skinny pillow, ripping the tubing away from his face when it pressed into his skin uncomfortably. “Leave me alone,” he pleaded. “You’re dead!” His father died years after Blitz was banished from home, never giving him the chance to say how sorry he was, to say goodbye even if he was a horrible parent.
The door creaked open, and Blitz froze, heart beating hard to match the machine’s beeping, until he heard, “Blitz?”
Sitting up, Blitz almost started to sob again at the sight of Lonna in the room, eyes wide as she set aside two to-go cups of coffee on the seat Stolas vacated. “Loonie,” he wailed, reaching out to her, only to be stopped by that stupid I.V. still in his arm. He almost moved to yank it out so he could get out of this stupid bed, but before he could, a pair of arms wrapped around him tightly, and despite the fact that it hurt everywhere, he returned the hug, burying his face in her shoulder. That normally would get him hit, but this time, she allowed it. “Loonie, I’m so sorry! I… I didn’t…” He started to shake. “I didn’t mean to-”
“Hey, it’s okay.” Lonna hesitated, then she awkwardly pet Blitz’s back, almost like burping a baby. “It’s okay. I’m here.”
He shook his head. He needed to make her understand. “I didn’t mean to do it, Lonna, I swear, I swore that I would never do it again, it… it was an accident.”
“… I believe you, Dad,” mumbled Loona, and those three words, those three words that he’d never heard before, along with the title that she rarely used for him… Blitz broke down and sobbed into her shoulder. God, he felt pathetic. Here he was, a thirty-five-year-old imp clinging to his twenty-year-old adopted daughter like she was the only thing holding him up. He thought about pulling away, put some distance between them but as if sensing that very thought, Loona hugged him tighter, holding him place.
“I believe you,” she repeated more firmly. “Just don’t do stupid sh*t like that again, okay?” Loona grumbled, but he heard a sniffle. “You scared me.”
“I’m sorry, I… I didn’t mean to.”
“I know, Blitz. I know.”
In the back of his mind, Blitz wondered if maybe she was just saying these words to placate him, but at that moment, he didn’t care. Her words were the ones he needed to hear the most right now as fat tears rolled down his cheeks and splashed her bare shoulder. “Please don’t leave me, Loonie,” he begged in a whisper. “I…”
I don’t want to die alone.
A flash of Stolas staring at him with pity went through his mind, and Blitz screwed his eyes shut. That was different. No matter how much he liked the owl prince, how many times he wished he could let his walls down around him, he had to remind himself that Stolas was just with him because of their transaction, of what he could get out of Blitz. Nothing more. He couldn’t let him get any closer than that, or it would just hurt that much when Blitz inevitably f*cked up.
Loona didn’t hesitate. “I’m not going anywhere.”
-
Loona watched as the nurse from earlier, Mercury, examined the now quiet Blitz. Her dad cried and apologized until he went silent against Loona’s shoulder, limp and heavy against her as she let him go and finally called for someone to look him over. She was tired, both from being up most of the night and from comforting Blitz. Shes never seen him like this before. Sure, he'd had some episodes where he was super quiet, almost eerily quiet, but usually just him noticing her snapped them out of them - like he put on a mask as soon as he realized he wasn’t alone.
How often has he put on that mask and Loona didn’t notice?
“It’s going to be a little bit,” spoke up Mercury as they glanced up from their examination and back towards Loona, perhaps noticing her contemplating. “If you would like to use this chance to inform your friends?”
The nurse was giving her an out, and Loona was grateful for it. “Yeah.” Loona stood up, cup of coffee in her hand. The other one, the one for Stolas, was already tossed out. “I’ll be back, Dad.”
It was still kinda weird to call him that, especially more than once in a day, but Blitz barely seemed to notice, nodding numbly.
Loona hesitated to leave, but still, she made her way back to the waiting room, where Millie, Moxxie, Tex, and the Sin were still waiting for news. She took a large gulp of her growing cold coffee, which hit her stomach like a rock. It was still so weird to think that the Queen of Gluttony was sitting in an uncomfortable chair, waiting for news on her dad like they were best friends or something. She could have just had Tex drive Loona here, never left her fancy party.
As Loona stepped into the waiting room, Moxxie and Millie were already on their feet. “Is Blitz-” Millie looked frightened.
“He just woke up, they’re checking him out now,” Loona informed the imps, which earned a sigh of relief from both of them. Nearby, Tex looked up from his phone, ears twitching. Beelzebub was asleep, head on his shoulder and snoring lightly. There was a pile of trash in the chair next to her, full of empty junk food bags.
“Did they say what happened?” asked Moxxie nervously.
Loona shrugged, not answering. She wasn’t sure if Blitz wanted his friends knowing what happened when he was still coming to terms with it himself. She wasn’t sure what Stolas told Blitz, he left to quickly for her to ask, but her adopted father kept saying the drug overdose was an accident, and Loona believed him, but there was something bugging her.
“I swear, I swore that I would never do it again…”
“Nothing yet. You guys should go home and get cleaned up, get some sleep,” Loona said instead. “You can’t go visit him anyway till visiting hours.”
“Are you sure? We can stay here with you if you don’t wanna be alone,” insisted Millie, even as her husband looked a little relieved at the idea of a bed.
“Yeah, it’s fine.” Things weren’t fine, and Loona wasn’t sure how long it’d be before they were again, but Millie and Moxxie being here wasn’t going to fix it right now.
Millie made Loona promise to text them as soon as they had news before Moxxie finally dragged her out, and only when they were gone did Tex looked to Bee, poking her in the shoulder. “You can stop faking now.”
As Loona blinked in surprise, Bee grumbled before opening her eyes, glaring up at her boyfriend. “How’d you know I was faking? Thought I was pretty convincing. It kept the little guy from asking me so many questions, anyway.”
“Bee, we sleep in the same bed,” pointed out Tex as he pressed his muzzle to Beelzebub’s forehead, and the display of affection made Loona blush and want to glance away. “You ain’t never snored that quietly.”
With a snorting laugh, Bee smacked Tex lightly away. “Jerk. I love you.” She looked to Loona, her lava-lamp hair and tail changing from bright and multi-colored to various shades of blue and purple as she stood and fluttered over, her small wings buzzing. “Hey. You okay? Like, really?”
“I... will be,” replied Loona honestly. Blitz had given her a scare, a bigger one that she ever thought would be possible, but at least he was okay now. “Just gotta look after my dad for a while. Sorry you had to spend your night here.”
“Eh, no biggie!” Beelzebub waved off. “I would have been up most of the night at my party anyway! Plus, you were upset. I wasn’t just going to dump you and run.” She tilted her head, grinning. “You can make it up to me by coming over again! Maybe a smaller gathering than that one,” she added with an awkward chuckle. “Tex mentioned that might have been a bit… much.”
“Sorry-”
“Nope, nope, none of that.” Bee shook her head, her large ears swaying. “No need to apologize! I like making sure my guests leave happy – and since you didn’t a chance to do that, we’ll just try again!” She hesitated. “Um, speaking of not happy… Did you happen to see Stolas leave?”
“Um, for a second.” Loona frowned. “He seemed kind of weird, just said my dad woke up and he left.”
“Yeah… Okay, full disclosure, I can kinda taste the vibes of those around me,” Bee admitted quickly, making Loona blink in surprise. “Like, being in this hospital is not a super great time cause usually everyone is pretty nervous, scared or tired.” She stuck out her tongue as she shuddered. “Bitter mostly. Like, this is why I usually don’t visit Belphegor here. But, I saw Stolas as he was leaving, and… He kinda seemed off. I don’t want to go into too much detail, whatever he’s feeling is his business… but maybe your dad should check on him later? He seemed hurt.”
“Oh.” Loona glanced behind her, towards the room that Blitz was currently lying in, and she felt her heart sink into her stomach, where she’d sat with the demon prince for hours while waiting for him to wake up. How he clearly worried and cared for Blitz, and yet whenever the imp talked about Stolas, it was about f*cking him and the grimoire. She thought about Stolas looked close to crying as he left, how Blitz was curled into a ball when she went into the room. How she knew that when Blitz was hurt or afraid, sometimes he lashed out. “Oh, no.”
Blitz, what did you do?
